Mary Sue #1: Harry Potter and Hermione Granger
by Rita Screecher
Summary: Harry rescues Hermione. Your “typical” hero story…only not. :)


Title: Mary Sue #1/Harry Potter and Hermione Granger  
  
Author: Aileen  
  
Author email: [1]teenyaileeny@msn.com  
  
Category: humor  
  
Keywords: Harry, Hermione, humor, romance  
  
Spoilers: none  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Harry rescues Hermione. Your "typical" hero story...only not. :)  
  
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I also took some ideas from the movie Mission Impossible, Star Wars, and from the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson - the best comic strip in the world (personal opinion from author)! If there's anything else that you feel that I copied from you or somebody else, I'm sorry, I didn't purposefully copy anybody; I'm just a writer having fun!  
  
A/N: This is supposed to be a joke. That's why it's so sappy and slightly ditzy and everything. I wrote this to poke fun at some of the romance fan fics that are out there. If you find this offending, don't read it. In the story, I'm pretending that I'm an actual witch living in the wizarding world, and that I am a big fan of Harry Potter (the actual person, not the books, there's a difference - we're Muggles, so we're a fan of Harry Potter the books. The people IN the books, actually a part of Harry Potter's wizarding world, for example, Ginny, are fans of Harry Potter the person), and that I won the weekly Mary Sue Story Contest in a magazine. Read this as an article from Witch Weekly magazine, a magazine from the actual Harry Potter books. When you see a parenthesis, if it's labeled "Editor's Note:" it means that the editors of Witch Weekly "wrote" the message inside the parenthesis. If it's labeled "Author's Note:" it means that Rita Screecher, the "author" of this story  
wrote it. If it's labeled "A/N:" it means that I, the actual writer of this story, wrote it. If you find this too complicated, just skip over all of the parenthesis; they're also meant to be a joke. Also, anything inside these marks: *~*~*~*~* are part of the Witch Weekly Article. Thanks!  
  
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Witch Weekly  
  
Volume 183, No. 2  
  
Week of December 9, 2001  
  
This week's winner of the Mary Sue Story Contest is a lovely woman named Rita Screecher. Make no mistake - she bears no resemblance to the recently disappeared Rita Skeeter, one of our faithful correspondents (Editor's Note: the Ministry of Magic has yet to find her, although they do not seem to be putting enough interest in her search. Cornelius Fudge declined an interview when our reporters Apparated to his front porch, and even threatened our reporters when they begged him for an interview, telling them nastily to `take that Quick Quotes Quill and shove it up your ***.'). However, without further ado, here is our newest Mary-Sue story, starring none other than our favorite young wizard, Harry Potter! Sit back, sip some tea and crunch on some Cockroach Clusters, and enjoy the story!  
  
Harry Potter and Hermione Granger  
  
By Rita Screecher  
  
Harry Potter slumped into one of the purple squashy armchairs in the Gryffindor common room. He stared dismally into the merry, crackling fire that burned away in the fireplace. Voldemort was being evil again, and he didn't know what to do! A few minutes before, he had received a letter from Voldemort written in what horribly looked like blood, and this is what it said:  
  
If you want to see your girlfriend again, go to the Forbidden Forest. Tell no one. Bring no one. If you breathe a word of this to anyone, you'll never see your girlfriend again. You cannot trace us. You do not know who we are. Do not try to figure out who we are, because you will not succeed.  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Lord Voldemort  
  
P.S. This message will self-destruct in two seconds.  
  
Harry had stared at the message, his jaw slack, his big beautiful emerald green eyes framed with thick black eyelashes widening. He was so shocked, he forgot that it would self-destruct, so when the message burned up with black flames, it was still in his hands, scorching his long slender fingers. He jumped and swore. He whipped out his wand and muttered a spell, and his flesh was immediately healed. He looked down on his spotless black Hogwarts robes. There wasn't a trace of the message left, not even the ashes.  
  
He sat there, dumbstruck. What was a Boy Who Lived to do? His first thought was, "I have to tell somebody!" But then, he recalled that the message had said not to tell anybody, and that if he did, Hermione would be killed. He couldn't let that happen to his beautiful, sexy girlfriend! His second thought was to just go and hope that some miracle would happen. He was the Boy Who Lived, after all, if he had survived the Avada Kedavra killing curse once, he could probably survive it again! He ran his hand through his untidy black hair, and a few flakes of dandruff floated down. He brushed them off his robes, distracted. He sat up. He wasn't going to just sit here wallowing in self-pity while his girlfriend was in danger! He quickly raced out, then a few moments later, raced back in, muttering, "I'm such an idiot - how could I forget my top-of-the-line Firebolt? After all, it is a state-of-the-art racing broom, with a streamlined, superfine handle of ash, treated with a  
diamond-hard polish and hand-numbered with its own registration number! Each individually selected birch twig was honed to aerodynamic perfection, giving it unsurpassable balance and pinpoint precision. It has a built-in auto-brake, and an acceleration of 150 miles an hour in ten seconds, and has an unbreakable Braking Charm! And who can forget, according to Which Broomstick, it's the broom of choice for the national teams at World Championships!" (A word from our sponsor: you can get the Firebolt today! Just call 1-800-FIREBOLT to hear more about this miraculous broom! And now, back to the story.) Harry hopped onto his broomstick and took off, heading purposefully towards the Forbidden Forest.  
  
He had been flying above the thick forest when suddenly he came to a clearing. There was a huge bonfire burning in the center of it. For some reason, even though the thick black smoke reached high above the forest and drifted lazily towards the castle, nobody seemed to be alarmed that there quite obviously was a huge fire burning in the middle of the Forbidden Forest. Tied around a tree, wearing only her flimsy nightie, which happened to be silky, sultry, and lacy black from Witch Victoria's Secret, was Hermione, struggling vainly against the magically knotted bonds. Silent tears streamed down her cheeks, and as Harry watched, her body suddenly went limp and her head dropped, apparently accepting her seemingly inevitable face. This scene made Harry see red. How dare they treat his girlfriend like that! And wow, did she look great in that nightie!  
  
Harry landed in the clearing and rushed to Hermione's side.  
  
"Hermione, love," he said tenderly, stroking her high cheekbones. She looked up at him, and burst into a fresh bout of tears.  
  
"Oh, Harry! You shouldn't have come!" she said desperately, again struggling (A/N: quite stupidly, if you couldn't get away before, why are you trying again?). "It's a trap!"  
  
"I don't care," he said, gazing into her eyes. "I'm here with you, and that's all I need."  
  
Hermione melted. "Oh, Harry, you're so brave and sweet!" she breathed, and her voice made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. But was it her voice? Or was it...  
  
"Voldemort!" she screamed, looking at someone behind him. Harry whipped around, shielding Hermione with his body.  
  
"Touch a hair on her, and you're dead, Voldemort," Harry said with gritted teeth. Voldemort laughed.  
  
"Ah, how touching," Voldemort said. "Trying to protect the one you love. Hmm, déjà vu...your mom said almost the same thing when I was trying to kill you."  
  
Harry started forward, furious. But unfortunately he walked straight into a trap. A cage whose bars were made of glowing red light came down upon him, and when Harry gingerly tossed a twig between two of the bars, it made a sizzling sound and the twig fell on the other side of the bars, smoking and half burned away. Harry gulped.  
  
"Harry, you are such an idiot!" Hermione screamed, crying again.  
  
"Now you will watch as I ravish your girlfriend here," Voldemort sneered. He stepped towards Hermione. Hermione's cries turned to high pitched screams.  
  
"Don't touch me, you're filthy and disgusting and gross! Don't you ever wash? It smells like we're near a slaughterhouse!" Hermione tried to shy away from Voldemort, and miraculously, she got one of her arms free from the magically knotted bonds and slapped him soundly across the face.  
  
"Go Hermione! Give it to him!" Harry cheered. Hermione, upon hearing her beloved Harry cheering her on, miraculously got her other arm free, and miraculously managed to get her wand, which miraculously was lying by her feet. She pointed the wand at Voldemort and screamed, "Avada Kedavra!" Harry squeezed his eyes shut. He hated killing, even if it was somebody as awful as Voldemort, because he's so sweet and sensitive and adorable and funny and cute and...(Author's Note: sorry, mind lapse there. But Harry, if you're reading this, I love you!!!!! I'm your number one fan!!!!! *scream* *scream* *scream* ...anyhoo, back to the story!)  
  
Unfortunately nothing happened. Voldemort laughed in her face, and Hermione, now livid, screamed, "You have the worst breath in the world!" She then cried, "Expelliarmus!" Voldemort went flying, and crashed into the cage that Harry was held captive in. For some reason, this made the cage suddenly disappear, and Harry was freed, while Voldemort was sprawled face down in the leaves and the dirt, sizzling like a hot dog on the grill on a warm summer's eve. (Author's Note: this probably happened because of the rule in mathematics; two negatives cancel each other out and become positive! Voldemort was evil, which means he was negative, and the cage was made by him, from evil power, which means it had negative energy, so when he crashed into the cage, they cancelled each other out! Isn't that cool?)  
  
Harry rushed to untie Hermione. Of course this didn't work, because they were magically knotted bonds, so he pulled out his wand and managed to untie her (A/N: of course, Harry waited until now to untie her, when he could've just as easily untied her before Voldemort showed up, and of course, Hermione can't do it herself even though she "miraculously" got both her arms free and got her wand back...) (Author's Note: It's much more romantic this way!). Hermione collapsed with a faint into his arms (Author's Note: because this is also much more romantic), and Harry carried her easily to the Firebolt. They flew back to the castle, and Harry gently carried her to her bed. Then he went back down to the common room to rest and contemplate the evening. (Author's Note: because he's so intelligent and handsome and strong and sweet and...sorry. Brain lapse again) (A/N: two things. Why didn't he just go to bed? Also, how come he didn't tell anyone that Voldemort had finally been  
defeated?) (Author's Note: shut up!!! You're so mean!!! But I'll answer your stupid nosy questions anyway. He didn't go to bed because this left a chance for Harry and Hermione to have a sex scene. All fan fics must have a sex scene! Don't you know anything??? Also, Voldemort wasn't killed! He's still alive! Duh! This leaves the door wide open for another story about the hero saving the beautiful heroine from the evil wizard! Namely, Harry saving Hermione from Voldemort.) (A/N: whatever. You just made that up.) (Author's Note: no I didn't! Who are you anyway???) (A/N: *loud breathing* Rita...I am your father...) (Author's Note: No you aren't! My dad was killed in a car accident years ago!) (A/N: Lily and James? Killed in a car accident? This is an outrage!!! ...okay I'm getting a bit off track here...back to the story.) (Author's Note: go away! You're ruining my story!)  
  
He had been sitting there for a few minutes, when he suddenly heard someone coming down the stairs. He turned. It was Hermione. Apparently she had revived. (A/N: And apparently Harry wasn't smart enough to take her to Madam Pomfrey to check her over.) (Author's Note: that's not true!!! Harry is amazing!!! And sensitive!!! And wonderful!!!)  
  
Harry stared at Hermione, his jaw dropping. Her normally bushy hair was now waist length and shimmering chestnut brown. It cascaded down the long length of her back, and had strands of golden colored hair that caught the light. She wore a beautiful, silvery, half-transparent gown that was very revealing. She smiled coquettishly, and beckoned him with a long, slender, perfectly manicured finger. (A/N: wow, she can sure clean up real fast...getting a manicure, straightening her hair, perhaps even lengthening it - a witch weave? - changing her clothes...all in the space of a minute or two!) Hermione slowly strode over to where Harry was sitting and bent over him, giving him a *lovely* view of her vast cleavage. He closed his eyes and felt her plush bottom settle onto his lap. A sultry voice whispered into his ear, "Thanks, Harry...you're my hero. I'll give you anything you want for saving my life...anything." A soft, lingering kiss was planted on his cheek. Harry reached up  
and.......  
  
**fade to black. next scene!**  
  
Harry rolled off Hermione, and the two of them lay there for a while, trying to get their breath back. "Oh Harry, that was wonderful!" Hermione breathed, her maidenly bosom heaving with emotion.  
  
"Anything for you, sweetcakes," Harry answered.  
  
THE END  
  
References  
  
1. mailto:teenyaileeny@msn.com 


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